Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die, sorry about rent.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
