My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
