Ketchup is God's man juice
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
