More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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