New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
