We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
