I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
