i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
