Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
