If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
