ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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