I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
