Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
