Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
