Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
