I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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