ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
