mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
