I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
