I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
