I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
