ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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