so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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