haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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