They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
