Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
