did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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