it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
