You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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