i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
