My sheets look like a crime scene.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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