I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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