I want to have your abortion
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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