mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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