What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you will always have a special place in my vag
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
