I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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