you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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