I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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