Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
