remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
