apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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