nut hugger
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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