I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
