We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My penis needs a shock collar
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
