My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
