Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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