guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
