I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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