Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
