I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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