Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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