im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
