fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I will pee on everything he values.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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