his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
