I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
