the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
