those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
