Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize