i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
