I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
