I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
