So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
