Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
